"We first see the unraveling."

Ahem, bandom geek moment over.

This is my life update post of the past few months. (Cut for mention of eating disorders, past child abuse, general brain junk, and self-harm.)

Aside from a brief breakdown in the past 24 hours about my ADHD and how much hyperfocus motherfucking goddamn sucks fucking ass on a good goddamn day, I've been doing well, mental health-wise.

- I've pinpointed the reasons my eating disorder started and perpetuated. The first, because my asshole father figure would deprive me of meals whenever I did something he deemed "screwed up", and so I came to associate losing meals with fucking up, so as I grew, I would skip a meal if I felt I screwed up. And then it perpetuated, because as the abuse gradually stopped being physical and instead turned to emotional and verbal, I'd avoid meals, because sitting at a table with just him and my baby brother was definitely something I didn't want to expose myself to, so I started to associate the relief at dodging that bullet and feeling better with not eating. Ultimate result of those associations: Didn't eat when I felt like I fucked up. Didn't eat when I felt like I didn't. Only ate when my apparent bipolar disorder resulted in apathy and I ate because I knew I needed to and I didn't have the feelings to govern my eating habits.

- I have figured out most of my mental health shit. No official diagnosis and no medication, but hey, knowing's half the battle.

- I know what tattoos I wanna get, when I can afford it. First one? "Forward on." Second one: "Don't know where I'm gonna land, but you gotta wobble before you stand." I like song lyrics, what can I say?


- I had to deal with some uncomfortable emotional shit about my ADHD recently, because I feel like I annoy people with it, and accepting that I can't actually help it is something I'm working very hard to do. My OCD aggravates the hyperfocus part of my ADHD, which means that if I can't catch it in time, I fall and I fall hard, as evidenced by my fall into American Idol. (And, really, when I fell into AI, I didn't even have the same knowledge about my disorders that I do now, which is also why I didn't catch it in time.)

- And, on that note, AI is also the fandom I'm least comfortable in, partially because it's kind of an old fandom, especially from the point of someone who's (now only relatively) new to it. The specific subsection I wish to be part of is six years old at this point, and it kinda sucks trying to get into that because there's old long-established friendships and the like, and here I am as a newbie and writing fic that fundamentally fucks with canon. (It's my forte, I do it with every fandom. I wrote Nick Jonas/Zayn Malik fic. I wrote time traveling!Harry Styles fic. I wrote high school AU Mako/Raleigh fic, okay. Fundamentally fucking with canon is my lifeblood.) Anyway, I am working very hard to get past that anxiety, damn it, because oh god, my brain keeps going "HEY WRITE THIS FOR THEM" and I kinda want to go "oh god shut up I'm supposed to be working on scilesreversebang art". I think, though, once I finish my art, I'm gonna get back in my groove for those two because I like them. I like writing for them. I like writing David Archuleta as a snarky little shit under the smiling and perpetual blush. (It's a thing, all my characters are secretly, or not-so-secretly, snarky little shits.) Even if he's a snarky little shit who never swears, but whatever.


Also, finally, I got sucked into MWK and To Have Heroes because goddamn it, Andy Skib. (Someone pry the cover of "Under The Milky Way" from my hands, please.)


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